How to Be Just Friends with a Member of the Opposite Sex

A lot of concerns and questions arise when the statement is made “we’re just friends”. Can men and women be friends? Well yes, and no. There are a number of tips, advice, relationship habits and warning signs that need to be taken into consideration

With men and women intermingling in various aspects and areas of life that were gender-specific in the past (such as the home, the workplace, sports, school), people of the opposite sex are discovering new common ground and more reasons to be friends.

However, there are issues. Such as with the media constantly showing male/female friendships evolving into romantic relationships, many are convinced that a long-term, truly platonic friendship between individuals of the opposite sex just isn’t possible. Among other interests or strong motivations of one side or the other, romantic interest, physical attraction and sometimes, the jealousy of significant others can threaten to sabotage a cross-gender friendship. However, setting boundaries from the start can circumvent those risks. It’s tricky, but it can be done and we personally know a number of individuals that can do this quite well.

Here are eight steps plus some pointers, tips and warnings to consider.
I.
Determine how you feel about the person, and how they feel about you. Be honest with yourself.
• Do you wind up fantasizing about what a serious intimate relationships would be like with them?
• If you weren’t in a close relationship if they were available and single, or if something else wasn’t in the way, would you probably be romantically interested?
• Do they seem to be romantically inclined towards you? Remember that actions speak louder than words. Trust your gut feeling.
• Do you really believe that this person is better suited to you as a friend rather then a romantic partner? Why? Your answer to this question is what makes all the difference, and what will keep the relationship platonic if and when boundaries ever become blurred.
II

Talk about it over coffee or tea.

Define your relationship as a friendship from the start. In any relationship, cross-gender friendships included, clear communication is key. Presumptions can lead to broken friendships, misunderstandings, and other problems down the line. Egos aside, address why you both want to be just friends. There’s a period in every opposite sex friendship relationship that you question whether or not you should be more. Address it early on. Both of you must want a strictly platonic friendship and understand that’s all it will ever be. No matter what anyone says, it is possible to be just friends as long as you have that understanding (and a commitment to the friendship as just that) from the start.

III
Talk to your significant other. Ask your friend to talk to theirs. Any insecurities or trust issues within a relationship will be magnified by a cross-gender friendship, especially if the friend is obviously attractive. The opposite-sex friend can often become a scapegoat for relationship problems, and a repeated source of contention. Honesty is the best policy.
• Acknowledge any borderline feelings from the start, and provide a reason for friendship that outweighs those feelings.
o “Yes, I do think she is physically attractive, because I’d be lying if I said I thought she was ugly. But I’m not friends with her because she’s pretty; I’m friends with her because…”
o “Maybe he and I could’ve been compatible as a couple, but it doesn’t matter. I met you first, and you and I fit together. I’m committed to making this work because I believe it’s meant to be.”
• Tell your significant other what they have that your friend doesn’t. The more you can think of, the better.
o “Sure, I can talk to Taylor about work, sports and the news, you’re the only person I feel comfortable with talking about my dreams, hopes and challenges.”
o “She really fun to hang out with, but big deal. A lot of people are fun to hang out with. You’re fun to live with. She really is disgusting and a lazy slob around the house. I would never want to live with someone like that ’cause I really need things neat and organized and you know that.”
• Remind your significant other that you’re committed to the relationship, and why.
IV

Double dates can ease tension

Involve the significant other(s). You should make an honest attempt to befriend their significant other and include yours. Coordinate get-togethers that you all can enjoy as a group. Include your significant other in outings with your friend. Jealously is much less likely to be an issue if your significant other can get to know your friend and as soon as possible. It’s going to take time, especially if they don’t believe in platonic friendships. Likewise, even if you don’t like their significant other, understand there might be a little doubt, concern and jealousy over the friendship. Find out what they like to do and suggest an outing for just the two of you. By becoming a friend to the couple, the doubts and jealousy usually vanish in time.

V

Minimize sexual tension. Don’t be “touchy feely” with your friend, even if you consider yourself to be a naturally affectionate person, and especially if either of you are in a romantic relationship with someone else. Sure, it’s possible to make physical contact without inciting sexual attraction, but hormones can play tricks on us. Don’t give those hormones a chance to confuse your status as friends. Limit hugs and physical contact to the same amount you share with a sibling, casual acquaintance or a co-worker depending on what you feel is appropriate, and what you think your significant other (or even theirs) would feel comfortable with. If you find the need to hug and touch them more, then maybe you’re not just friends and you have to address this right away.

VI

Prevent borderline situations. Don’t give people a reason to think you’re more than just in a friendship relationship. Having a night out together is fine, but don’t bring your friend into social scenarios where everyone else has a date and even better don’t go into ‘dating environments’ at all. That is why it is called dating, not friendship. You wouldn’t ask your same sex friend to accompany you to your sister’s wedding, so don’t ask your opposite sex friend! If you are going somewhere that might appear romantic (e.g. a movie, theater, or a fancy dining at a restaurant) but you do not want it to appear that way, invite another friend of the same sex. Even then, people may insinuate that you are more than friends; be prepared for those suggestions, and think of how you can deny them gracefully.

VII

Reduce contact or end the friendship if the boundaries can’t be clarified or upheld. If your friend is attracted to you as more than a friend and can’t seem to put that attraction aside, it’s probably best to take the friendship down a notch. Keep contact casual, communication and conversations short, and get-togethers brief. If the friend continues to press for a romantic relationship when you’ve made it clear that you don’t want one, if they constantly trash talk your significant other (without good reason), or if they let their own significant other demean you, then perhaps the friendship isn’t worth keeping, and this person should just be more of a friendly acquaintance.

VIII

Be careful with your decisions.
• Simply choosing to meet for lunch over the alternate meeting for dinner can portray a significant difference to your friend.

Tips and Advice
• Every friendship is different. It’s possible to completely ignore all of this advice and still succeed with a cross-gender friendship, but it’s not likely because of widespread preconceived notions, natural impulses, and the fact that no relationship is perfect. Consider these preventative measures and adapt them to your own situation as you see fit.
• If it seems awkward to bring this topic up with your friend, you may even send them a link to this article. At this point they should get the hint.
• Do not flirt. Teasing is normal and acceptable to the extent that you’d do it with your same-sex friends (unless it involves touching and/or sexual innuendos).
• When you’re all together, pay more attention to your partner than to your friend. Encourage your friend to pay more attention to theirs.
• Don’t hide your friendship from your partner, but don’t fuel any jealousy either by excessive one-on-one time with your friend or talking about your friend endlessly.
• In any friendship, the dynamics change over time. An acquaintance you don’t really care for all that much today might be your best friend a year from now. It’s possible you and your friend will develop deeper feelings after a long, platonic friendship. But like any friendship, resolving whether to act on feelings requires honesty from both sides. It doesn’t mean you were never platonic friends. It just means the friendship has changed like all do. React to the new feelings in a way that preserves the friendship and makes both of you happy.
• These instructions really apply to any friendship where romantic interest and physical attraction is a possibility, including a same-sex friends where one or both are gay (homosexual or bisexual)
• Refer to him or her as “buddy” often. Give high fives and pats on the back* whenever possible (*upper back).

Warnings

• Never turn to your friend for physical intimacy. It doesn’t matter if you’ll still be friends in the morning. It’s just not worth the risk. It’ll not only threaten your friendship, but it’ll also threaten the credibility of your friendship to a future romantic partner.
• Don’t meddle in your friend’s relationships. If their significant other finds out you gave some “helpful” advice that they view as causing more problems, chances are, and they will not want the friendship to continue. Your friend will have to choose and, either way will lose someone they care about. Don’t put your friend in that position. Give advice, but unless your friend is in danger or being abused, never put down your friend’s significant other to your friend.
• If your significant other will simply not accept your friendship, even after you’ve taken all the steps above over a reasonable period of time, you may be in a manipulative or controlling. On the other hand, your partner might have a valid complaint. Counseling could reveal problems existing in your relationship and provide the tools you need to improve it.
• However, if you have a really good and healthy relationship with your significant other, and he or she has serious misgivings about your opposite-sex pal, listen and pay attention. Your significant other may sense an attraction coming from the friend that you can’t see because you are too close to the situation.
• Invite your significant other (and your friend’s significant other) to be a part of the relationship. This doesn’t mean that you always have to do things as couples, but the reminder of your and your friend’s commitments can help keep you from taking the relationship in directions that you might regret; it also helps keeps feelings of jealousy on the parts of your respective partners at bay.