What is dating?  What is courting?  What is the difference?

Dating and courtship are two methods of beginning relationships with the opposite sex.

From the dating standpoint, this is something has really started in modern times, say the 19^th and 20^th centuries.  Now bear in mind there are those who date with the intention of having a series of intimate physical relationships, for the conservative, the wise and of the Christian faith this is not acceptable and should never be the reason for dating. Many conservative singles see dating as little more than friendship and maintain the friendship aspect of their dating until both people are ready to commit to each another as potential marriage partners. First and foremost, dating is a time when a Conservative individual finds out if his or her potential marriage partner compatible with them on levels that range from the more than just physical to levels that touch in deep spiritual beliefs. There are many a relationship expert that warns those in the dating game that people with even a small number of ‘red flags’ should not marry each other, As stated before, during this time there should be little or no physical contact, as this is something that should wait until marriage.  The purpose here is manifold.  Simply to avoid premature bonding.  If things turn for the worse to early on after bonding to early, then one has to become ‘unbonded’ and that is a difficult task.  One relationship expert has stated that there are about thirteen levels to bonding, obviously the last one ending with sexual contact.

Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage, however this is the ‘gist’ of it, some cultures have slightly different rules. Many in a courtship relationship will not spend any time together unless family members, preferably parents, are present at all times. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.  However, this traditionalist view fitting with the statement “love is as much as an act of the will as it is an emotion”, (thanks to Ravi Zacharias for sharing this) has bearing but as well has its limitations and risks in the future relationships in modern day culture.

There are problems inherent with both styles. For daters, spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex whom we find attractive can present temptations that can be very hard to resist. The Conservative individual dating couple must have boundaries in place and be committed to not crossing them. If they find this hard to do, they must take steps to ensure that Christ will always be honored during their time together and that sin is never given a chance to take hold of their relationship. Just as with the courting couple, the parents of the dating couple should be involved in the relationship, getting to know their child’s companion and being a source of wise and discerning advice and guidance for both of them.

Of course, the courtship style presents its own set of difficulties. While many courtship advocates see it as the only choice for finding a mate, others find it oppressive and overly controlling. In addition, it can be hard to find the “real” person behind the public face presented in front of the entire family. No one is the same in a group setting as he or she is one-on-one. If a couple is never alone together, they never have that one-on-one opportunity to relate and get to know one another in emotional and spiritual intimacy. In addition, some courtship situations have led to borderline “arranged marriages” by the parents and have resulted in resentment in one or both of the young people.

As for the process of building a solid foundation of dating and courtship, on the subject of youth – the youth of today are getting the worst end of the deal when it comes to dating and courtship. Instead of enjoying their teen years as they build skills and character, they are getting distracted into the quagmire of relationships that they are not equipped to conduct. The teen years are those where they have the fewest responsibilities at the same time as having their greatest energy level. These should be fun times, exciting times. They should be an opportunity to develop a deep, intimate and personal walk with God, family relationships and some core moral values.

Unfortunately, however, our culture teaches our singles to engage in multiple dating relationships as though it were a normal and useful practice. The truth is, the modern dating system has only been around for less than a century. And it is my conviction that the worldly system of dating, as most people currently conduct it, is far from God’s original plan, as described in the Bible. I intend to expose the flaws I see in today’s dating model, and at the same time point out how Biblical courtship addresses these flaws.

An overview of dating and courtship

Dating was invented in the early part of this century. Prior to that time, marriage always involved much more input from the parents, and “trial relationships” leading up to marriage were not conducted at all. Courtship, as discussed in more detail subsequently, seeks to emulate the Godly models described in the Bible that were conducted by God’s people up until the invention of dating. My basic premise is that regardless of how we feel about things, we should follow God’s model, because it will be the most effective and fulfilling. My intention is to convey that conviction, then to describe my current understanding of His model.

In overview, courting should only happen once and ends in a life-long covenant relationship. Dating happens lots of times, and ends in many hurts, heartbreaks, scars, and if you’re lucky, a partner that just may stay with you for the next few years, or (if you’re really lucky) the rest of your life.

• In the modern dating scene you usually hide all your faults to give a false impression about yourself, in order to keep your partner liking you. Recreational dating is about self-gratification — you date to satisfy your own needs.  And this oftentimes leads to many physical relationships as well, which are never satisfying and quite simply, risky.
• Courtship is about open and honest exploration of each other’s lives and families leading up to engagement and marriage. Courtship is about marriage — you court in order to see if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married. There is no romantic interaction until after the commitment to marriage.   The wonderful thing about this process is the solid relationship that is built and the family bonding that takes place.

Courtship is a word that has been adopted to describe a biblical model for the relationship leading up to marriage. In the Bible, the parents were always involved in the marriage process. They did not arrange the marriage without the children’s’ consent, although they were certainly involved in the arrangements. Sometimes the parents found partners for the children, and then the children were consulted for their opinion. Other times the son would approach the daughter’s father and make arrangements with him.

What’s wrong with dating?

There are many forms of dating, perhaps as many as there are people. Everyone has a different view of what is right and wrong. But there is a glaring fault in many of our models, a double standard. Once we are married, we recognize that certain things are sacred to our partner. Things such as co-habitation, kissing, intimate hugging, sex and bringing up children. We recognize that not only our physical body, but our emotions, even our spirit is dedicated to that one partner, for the rest of our life (according to our vows).

The dichotomy is this: in dating, we presume to partake of many of these privileges of marriage. We would be shocked if a married man had an emotional attachment to another woman, and yet it’s quite acceptable for singles to have a different emotional attachment every week. On the one hand, we save sex for our partners (and some even do that sparingly), but on the other, we engage in rampant emotional promiscuity, giving pieces of our hearts away until one wonders what will be left for that special, life-long partner.

I have adopted the view that the Bible holds the truth for life today. If you feel that the Bible is not the standard for your relationships, then you might find some interesting information here, but you may remain unconvinced.   It is important to guard your heart, your emotions and your body.  You do not want to be carrying baggage of many different kinds shapes and colors into each relationship and the next and so on.  This problem has been seen altogether too many times in relationships around the world in modern times.

On other note, of the unity in marriage and the basis not being limited to individual happiness – As Antoine de Saint-Exupery said, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.”

So to have a successful marriage, the most important thing is to ensure that you follow basic principles that have been laid down by experts in the study of marriage.  From Gods basic principles to Dr John and Julie Gottman, marriage experts of 40 plus years the principles work, are often scientific in some nature and really do produce the best relationship possible if applied properly and consistently. The irony is, when we focus on the basic marriage principles (yes God designed and intended) instead of our pleasure, we end up having a very satisfying and pleasant marriage! You may feel that courtship does not adequately describe these principles.   If this is the case, you may leave a comment, opt in to our newsletter, follow up with an email and we would be happy to discuss getting you in touch with a good relationship, marriage and family expert.